2023 NFL: Previewing Week 3

Bing Crosby was a wise man. He’s long since passed, but one of his songs lives for eternity. Allow me to quote some of the lyrics. 

 “You got to accentuate the positive. Eliminate the negative” 

American society falls short when it comes to being positive. Far too often we harp on negativity and allow it to form a dominant part of our public discourse. It’s disgusting and disheartening. We should be better. 

We should be, but we won’t. Because being negative is pretty fun. Sorry, Bing, I’ve failed you again. So in the spirit of being a bummer, let’s take a look at the nine NFL teams who are currently winless after two weeks. 

Because not all 0-2 teams are created equal. 

Bengals 

My pick to win the AFC North has stumbled to two opening losses for the second straight season. And what’s worse, Joe Burrow was noticeably limping after Sunday’s loss. The good news is they have the Rams at home on Monday night, so they should be able to get off the schneid. But this looks bad. 

Vikings 

Remember when Minnesota was a perfect 11-0 last season in close games? The bill has come and the Vikings are being forced to pay, having lost their first two games by a total of nine points. Their problems seem to be fixable, as they currently have a minus-6 turnover differential. Hold on to the ball and things can start going their way. They’re also last in the league in rushing yards. Start running the rock! 

Chargers 

They’re not having problems scoring. They just can’t seem to get stops on defense, especially in critical spots. And yes, Brandon Staley was hired as a head coach because he was supposedly a defensive wunderkind. But people in the footballsphere are bailing on him left and right. Even Stephen A. Smith is saying that Staley is the problem with this team and he’s a blithering idiot. L.A. has its bye in Week 5, if they stumble into that with a 1-3 record, things are going to look grim.  

Patriots  

Once upon a time, this organization’s games were appointment television, regardless of whether you loved or hated the Patriots. Actually, especially if you hated the Patriots, which I was never ashamed to admit. Now they’re just boring. While they did almost pull off a comeback against Miami on Sunday night, it’s plain to see that New England’s offense will be mid, at best, the rest of the way. 

Broncos 

Speaking of close losses, Denver has lost both its games by a total of three points. That can’t feel great, especially after bringing in Sean Payton to erase the taste of the one-year Nathaniel Hackett dumpster fire. And Sunday’s loss was especially rough because the Broncos pulled off an improbable Hail Mary for a late touchdown and could have tied the game … but they failed on the 2-point conversion. Ouch. Now they’ve got to face the Dolphins on the road. Hello, 0-3? 

Bears, Cardinals, Texans, Panthers 

I’m just grouping all these teams together because they’re clearly not playing for this season. The Texans and Panthers are breaking in rookie quarterbacks, while the Bears are looking to make progress with a young core. Meanwhile, the Cardinals hope to stink out loud (shhh, it’s a secret) and get their hands on a high draft pick in 2024.  

Side note: It’s a good thing I don’t gamble because I would have put money on the Rams having an 0-2 start.  

Moving on! 

NFL’S TOP 10 

 1. 49ers – Defense can make plays when it matters, even though the Rams were able to move the ball on them on Sunday. And the offense has so many ways to beat you. And I had no idea that Brock Purdy would look like the second coming of Joe Montana in the early going. He still hasn’t lost a regular season game as a starting quarterback. That should make me mad because I’ve been expecting the bottom to drop out of his feel-good story every week and it hasn’t happened yet. Maybe it won’t. 

 2. Cowboys – People are saying that Dallas might finally have a real Super Bowl contender. People say a lot of things because people are dumb. But I can’t argue with the results. Their defense is terrifying and if the offense can just not make mistakes, they’ll be fine. We’ll circle back once the playoffs start because we’ve seen what’s happened over the past couple decades. But for now, it’s fun. 

 3. Dolphins – They’re tops in the league in passing yards and total yards per game. They’ve also won both games on the road and Tua Tagovailoa is suddenly a betting favorite to win the MVP award. Things are definitely looking sunny in South Florida. There’s something I want to say, but I feel it would be a jinx. Sigh. Fine, I’ll say it: I hope Tua stays healthy. 

 4. Eagles – Just like 0-2 teams, not all 2-0 teams are created equal. While the running game has looked great, it’s been a little troubling to see Jalen Hurts and the passing game not look like their 2022 selves. And they were lucky that the Vikings kept turning the ball over on Thursday night, or they might be 1-1. But woulda, shoulda, coulda, amirite? It’s OK, it’s still early in the season and the important thing is, they’ve won both games. 

 5. Ravens – All the credit to Baltimore for shaking off a couple injuries on their offensive line. They put together long drives and Lamar Jackson was excellent with his arm and legs. The win also broke Baltimore’s three-game losing streak in Cincinnati, which included defeats in Week 18 and the wild card round last season.  

 6. Chiefs – I’m judging them harshly because they’re the defending champs. They lost in Week 1 and the offense didn’t look great in Jacksonville on Sunday. I’m not pushing any panic buttons, because we’ve seen Kansas City start slow before. I have no reason to believe they won’t get it together. In the meantime, the defense is getting stops. That’s good to see. 

 7. Bills – Admit it, when the Raiders took an early lead in Buffalo on Sunday, a lot of you thought, “uh oh.” I did, too. Especially in the wake of the Bills’ bad loss on Monday night against the Jets. But then they woke up and smacked Vegas around the rest of the way en route to a 38-10 win. That’s the Buffalo team I know. Consistency is key, especially in the AFC East. You lose games you’re supposed to win and you’re in trouble. 

 8. Saints – They’re 2-0 and the defense is doing most of the work, especially against the pass. Run defense is average and they’re not getting much pressure on the quarterback, but if the Saints’ offense picks up and starts scoring more, the opportunities for sacks will come when opponents are forced into obvious passing situations. 

 9. Jaguars – You know what? They may have lost at home to Kansas City, but the Jags had chances to make big plays. I like where this team is going. 

 10. Seahawks – I could have put a few teams in this spot but Seattle deserves it this week. They erased the memory of an opening-week humiliation at home and took it to the Lions on the road on Sunday. Well done. That took mental toughness. 

WHAT’S THE CHATTER? 

We can’t have nice things: Did you hear that sound on Monday night? That was a collective groan when Browns running back Nick Chubb went down with a horrible knee injury. And it was the same knee that had to be reconstructed back in 2015 when he was in college. Football can really be a bummer sometimes. Sigh. All the best to him and I hope to see him back soon.  

Take care of the young ones: The Colts need to do something with Anthony Richardson. The franchise invested a lot into their first-round quarterback and he’s out there taking too many hits. What works in college won’t last in the NFL. Now he’s in the concussion protocol. Teach. Him. To. Slide. And also, don’t rush him back into the lineup. Let him sit for another week or two and let Gardner Minshew handle things. Play the long game here. 

Real or Fake? When it comes to playing surfaces, NFL players clearly favor grass because they feel it’s safer and prevents injuries. Owners and the league aren’t so sure, because they can point to stats that say the difference is negligible when it comes to natural vs. artificial surfaces. Yeah, whatever. Stats can say a lot of things. Stats can find a way to say I can bench press more than Larry Allen, but I definitely can’t. In this life or the next. Here’s the stat that matters: Using real grass costs money and billionaire owners don’t like spending money because after all, that’s how they became billionaires. But at some point, it’s obscene. Give your employees some peace of mind. 

Clown of the Week Award: This week’s hardware goes to Odell Beckham Jr. According to TMZ and such publications, the veteran wide receiver has been “hanging out” with Kim Kardashian. Oh, COME ON! Don’t we have enough evidence at this point?! Odell, man to man, run for your life before this succubus drains your life energy and leaves you an empty husk, like the winged devourers in “Beastmaster.” 

APPOINTMENT TELEVISION FOR WEEK 3 

Giants at 49ers: Logic dictates that San Francisco should win one, but Thursday night games are a total crapshoot. That’s why it’s wise to never bet on them.  

Titans at Browns: Two teams that have holes face off in Cleveland. Speaking of betting, you tell me who to put money on. The Browns are favored by three but only because they’re at home. One thing is for certain: Deshaun Watson needs to play better. He’s not living up to his contract. 

Falcons at Lions: Atlanta is the 2-0 team nobody is talking about, myself included. I didn’t even include them in my top 10, which is blatant disrespect. They win here and I’ll have no choice next week.  

Saints at Packers: Another week, another test for Jordan Love. I have a feeling I’ll be saying that a lot in 2023. But he’ll be facing one of the better defenses in the league here, so we’ll learn a lot here. 

Broncos at Dolphins: The Tua show continues. Meanwhile, Sean Payton isn’t a guy who takes losing well. An 0-3 start to his Denver tenure won’t put him in a good place mentally.  

Chargers at Minnesota: One of these teams will leave this game with an 0-3 record. Unless there’s a tie. I hate ties. Ties are for commies. 

Bills at Commanders: Speaking of 2-0 teams nobody is talking about, check out these new-look Commanders! Somewhere Dan Snyder is upset and that makes me happy. He’s the worst. 

Colts at Ravens: This is a Baltimore website, so of course you should enjoy every Ravens game.  

Cowboys at Cardinals: Dallas takes its defense into the desert, which is what the stands will look like by the middle of the third quarter. This should get ugly fast. 

Steelers at Raiders: Ahhh, it’s wonderful to see a rivalry that has stretched back decades. Granted, it’s not John Madden and Chuck Knoll roaming those sidelines, but whatever. 

Eagles at Buccaneers: Another disrespected 2-0 team! If Tampa can beat Philly at home, I’ll have more crow to eat. But joke’s on you because I enjoy a good bowl of crow. Joke’s on you, right? 

Rams at Bengals: Cincinnati better win this game. Or things are gonna get bad. 

Enjoy Week 3!