NFL Week 5

Is it Week 5 already? Before we know it, we’ll be watching the first of many crappy bowl games and handing each other Christmas presents.

As far as I’m concerned, the first four weeks of the NFL season were just a preamble. A glorified preseason, if you will. It really starts now, because …

TOM BRADY IS BACK.

Yes. The scourge of many Colts and Ravens fans’ nightmares. The Massachusetts Murderer. The Foxborough Fauntleroy. The Gillette G.I. The Swampscott Swindler … and I’ve run out of stupid nicknames.

The Patriots are now fully armed and dangerous and it seems they’ve suffered their one loss of the season (thanks, Rex!).

Sorry, NFL fans. It’s downhill from here. We’re going to be watching Patriots win after Patriots win with Skip Bayless shrieking with joy the entire way.

Is it too early to start drinking?

(You can discuss this on the BSL Board here.)

Week 4 picks: 9-6.

It’s nice to get back above .500 after my Week 3 debacle. The Jaguars and Falcons made me look smart, while the Chargers found yet another way to confuse me. Seriously, what is going on in San Diego?

Do the fans there even want the team to stay anymore or would they be happy to see them leave and become the Rams’ tenant in a city that would collectively shrug upon their arrival?

Raise your glass to: Russell Wilson

Speaking of confusion, here’s another one. Russell Wilson speaks in clichés, visits sick children in hospitals, refuses intimacy with Ciara until marriage … and then posts his first post-coital moment with her to social media. And don’t even get me started on his Nickelodeon Kids’ Choice Awards gig …

But man, when this guy steps on the field, he’s just a beast. Who else could walk off an ankle sprain and a sprained MCL and torch the Jets for 309 yards and 3 TDs on the road?

I guess all those people who doubted his ability in the pocket because of his lessened mobility were wrong. What a shock.

“What I’d say is all those guys that say he can’t throw from the pocket don’t know what they’re talking about,” Seahawks head coach Pete Carroll told ESPN. “And that’s just something they must have said a long time ago and they’re still defending, because he can throw it from anywhere. It doesn’t matter.”

Russell can ball and as long as he’s taking snaps in Seattle, the Seahawks are going to be a threat. They may not win a Super Bowl, but they’ll be in the conversation.

Boo this man: Ryan Tannehill

I wasted two hours of my life watching that Thursday night stinkbomb before turning it off in disgust. Those are precious minutes that I’ll never get back and I’ll definitely think about on my deathbed many years down the road (hopefully).

I might have enjoyed a valuable life experience during that time, but instead I watched you gaffe your way through another loss on national television. I’m done with you.

Where is Jay Fielder when you need him? Hell, at this point, I’d take Cleo Lemon. Or John Beck. Or Chad Henne. Or Trent Green. Or Gus Frerotte. Man, the Dolphins have really eaten through a lot of quarterbacks over the years.

OK, enough complaining. On to the picks!

WEEK 5

CARDINALS AT 49ERS

Oh, lovely. We get to start this week’s slate with a 1-3 team taking on a 1-3 team. And we thought last week was bad.

Ooh! Added treat is Carson Palmer won’t play because of a concussion he suffered against my Rams (not proud of that, just sayin’) so it’ll be Drew Stanton taking snaps.

So, to summarize: We get to see Drew Stanton vs. Blaine Gabbert with both teams dealing with short rest. Not exactly appointment television.

But I guess I have to pick winner.

Pick: Cardinals

REDSKINS AT RAVENS

The Redskins have been pretty bad at stopping the run, while the Ravens secondary is going to have issues dealing with the myriad of weapons that Kirk Cousins has at his disposal.

This has the potential to be an entertaining matchup and while the Redskins did some nice things at home vs. the Browns last week, I see them falling short here. Look for Baltimore to control the tempo of the game, possibly hit a big play or two and create a couple turnovers. That should be enough as I don’t see the Ravens losing back-to-back games at home.

Pick: Ravens

JETS AT STEELERS

Hacky joke coming: In the time it took you to read to this point, Ryan Fitzpatrick threw two more interceptions (Rim shot).

But seriously, folks, what the hell? The man held out all summer only to accept what the team was offering him in the first place. Then he went out and threw 10 interceptions to only 4 touchdowns in the season’s first month.

As Hannibal Lecter (a Baltimore resident) once said, “that won’t do.”

Now Gang Green gets a Sunday date with the Steelers on the road. With a secondary that’s a complete mess. Might as well get those Primanti’s sandwiches ready for comfort food after this one. Extra slaw, please.

Pick: Steelers

TITANS AT DOLPHINS

Oh, god.

The Fightin’ Ajayis are back home, just in time for Hurricane Matthew’s run into South Florida. I lived in the Miami/Ft. Lauderdale area for six years and I’ve seen things get nuts when inclement weather hits.

There’s nothing like walking into a Wal-Mart and seeing whole sections of food just cleaned out. I’m talking empty shelves looking like something out of “The Walking Dead.” Good luck getting gas immediately before or a few days after the storm comes through, too.

And once the power goes out (and it will), it’s just you, the wind, and the humidity that will melt your face off. Good times.

But hey, at least Hard Rock Stadium has a new canopy! Although if the game does get played, there might be nobody in the stands since they won’t have the gas to drive there.

And that might be the best thing for everyone, because who wants to watch this team, even when they win?

Pick: Dolphins

TEXANS AT VIKINGS

Word of advice to the NFL: If John Elway isn’t willing to pay big money for a player, think long and hard before you do.

I’m not saying Brock Osweiler isn’t any good, but he isn’t dozens of millions of dollars good and that’s what Houston gave him. He’s going to have a rough go of it against a Vikings team that seems to have the 2015 Carolina Panthers magic touch.

And man, that U.S. Bank Stadium is just so pretty.

Pick: Vikings

PATRIOTS AT BROWNS

Tom Brady is back and the Browns are awful. That’s all you need to know. You Cleveland fans better pack a poncho. The touchdowns are going to be raining down and the first few rows always get wet.

Pick: Patriots

EAGLES AT LIONS

CARSON WENTZ! CARSON WENTZ! CARSON WENTZ! CARSON WENTZ! CARSON WENTZ!

Pick: Eagles

BEARS AT COLTS

Andrew Luck had his doubters when he arrived in the NFL, but they were drowned out by those singing his praises and fashioning his bust for Canton.

Now, the doubters have emerged as a Greek Chorus, portending Luck’s doom and ridiculing his struggles over the past calendar year. And it’s become difficult to argue with them.

Yes, it’s true the Colts have no offensive line or running game to speak of. Yes, it’s true the Colts haven’t built a competitive defense. Yes, it’s true the head coach and general manager seem to be out of their elements.

But at some point, the excuses need to stop. Peyton Manning and Tom Brady haven’t always been surrounded with the best talent and yet managed to find a way to play within themselves, not turn the ball over and make everyone playing with them better.

If Luck wants to be in that class, he needs to suck it up.

/Hot take

I think he’ll do that this week against a Bears team that won last week. That should be enough for Chicago for a while.

Pick: Colts

FALCONS AT BRONCOS

Another team with the QB position in question, the Broncos may not have Trevor Siemian in the lineup on Sunday. That means rookie Paxton Lynch could make his first career start and judging by the way he looked last week, that’s not a bad thing.

Just like Dak Prescott and Carson Wentz, Lynch didn’t look scared or overwhelmed. You can’t teach that stuff.

Meanwhile, the Falcons offense has been putting up points at an impressive rate. That comes to a temporary end this week.

Pick: Broncos

CHARGERS AT RAIDERS

This is an easy one. When in doubt, go against the team with a penchant of blowing leads and with the team at home that has stones late in games.

Pick: Raiders

BILLS AT RAMS

Man, that Bills’ win against the Patriots was something, eh? Nothing like shutting out a third-string quarterback to stoke your confidence.

And Buffalo will be rewarded with a cross-country flight to sunny Los Angeles, where the Rams defense will be waiting to chew up whatever momentum they have.

Now, for all of you following along, every time I’ve picked against my Rams this season, they’ve won. So, naturally, I’m going against them again.

Love those Bills this week (wink, wink).

Pick: Bills

BENGALS AT COWBOYS

Dallas showed me something against the 49ers. They dealt with some injuries issues along the offensive line and still managed to blow open several nice holes for rookie RB Ezekiel Elliott to run through.

EE has looked great, but the Bengals are stout up front. They pushed the Dolphins around and have the ability to play strong against the Cowboys’ front five and have enough depth in the secondary to keep Prescott from getting many clean looks.

Pick: Bengals

GIANTS AT PACKERS

My goal was to make it through this piece without discussing Odell Beckham Jr. First, I don’t care, and second, the issue has been beat to death elsewhere.

What I do care about is a Giants team that can’t get out of their own way heading into Lambeau to face a team coming off a bye. The Packers love being at home and their offense has had two weeks to figure out their issues.

They’ll get it done. But, good luck getting anyone to watch with Trump vs. Clinton Part Deux going down at the same time.

Pick: Packers

BUCCANEERS AT PANTHERS

Something’s gotta give. The Buccaneers have been in a slide since their opening-week win and Carolina looks stuck in the mud of a Super Bowl hangover.

I’m going with the Panthers here, but I’m not happy about it. I expected more out of both of these teams.

Pick: Panthers