2023 NFL: Previewing Week 4

Sometimes you need something to counter the boredom.

The Chiefs were blowing out the Bears on Sunday and by all accounts, there was nothing to see on the field. Kansas City had no problem moving the ball, getting into the end zone and making their hapless opponents look like a junior varsity squad.

Then the cameras found something that set an already annoying world on fire. That was the sight of Taylor Swift in a luxury suite standing and cheering next to Travis Kelce’s mother. The TV producers found their mark and kept panning back to her. Every time Kelce’s name was mentioned, every time he caught a pass, the camera went back to Swift.

When Kelce scored a touchdown, Swift was there letting out a joyful scream in delight. Whether I liked it or not, and I most certainly didn’t, I had to accept the fact that it at least made the game somewhat watchable, if only for the sideshow.

As an aside: Allow me to make my feelings clear. I’m not a fan of Taylor Swift. She writes simple music and functions as a godhead for legions of dumb people who shell out obscene amounts of money to watch her change outfits 75 times in two hours. Call me old, call me bitter, call me out of touch, call me Clint Eastwood in “Gran Torino.” All are fair criticisms.

And furthermore, I don’t understand the obsession about who she or any celebrity chooses to date. These people aren’t your friends. They don’t know you and would probably hate you if they did. Quite frankly, I’m not that invested in my actual friends’ lives. Whether or not they meet someone nice doesn’t keep me up at night.

But when it comes to Taylor Swift, I at least had the comfort of knowing that she operated in a world that didn’t involve me. She did her thing and I did mine and we would never meet in the middle. Or so I thought. Sunday changed all of that.

Now she’s in my world. The football world. Something that I guard in a most jealous manner. And now it’s being invaded by the most odious word in the English language: Swifties. Dimbulbs who had never heard the name Travis Kelce until now. People who fly out in a rage whenever someone dares to criticize their precious princess. Do they get physically violent? No, much worse.

They tweet. And tweet. And tweet. As a group. Can you imagine a more unenviable fate than to be ratioed to death by a collection of lemmings? I can’t. I shudder to think that one of them will see this and cast me into the 10th circle of hell. Where all I can listen to is that Chumbawamba song on repeat for a fiery eternity.

This is who we’re going to have to deal with for a little while, my fellow football fans. Don’t worry, it won’t be that long. I’ll say in about six months, Travis and Taylor will be history and Mr. Kelce will be nothing more than a line in one of Swift’s lovelorn anthems.

But until then … buckle up, this is gonna suck! But at least it won’t be boring.

NFL’S TOP 10

1. 49ers – Fun fact: They’ve played three games and scored exactly 30 points in each of those wins. And they somehow looked better in last Thursday’s domination of the Giants than they did four days before against the Rams. This is clearly the best team in the league right now, but another team is coming up fast.

2. Dolphins – Speaking of speed, Miami is breaking tachometers. I flirted with the idea of putting them in the top spot because if you score 70 points in a game, you should be rewarded, but I couldn’t quite do that yet. Even though their win on Sunday wasn’t close, it was still so much fun to watch. The creativity of the Dolphins offense can only make you smile. How is their defense doing? As of right now, I don’t care. We’ll worry about that later.

3. Eagles – I’m putting them here, but I don’t feel great about it. Yes, they imposed their will against the Bucs on Monday night, but Jalen Hurts did throw two interceptions and there’s still something missing, even though A.J. Brown did have 131 yards receiving on 9 catches. And yet, they’re 3-0, which is all you can ask for.

4. Bills – Remember, don’t trust your eyes in Week 1. Buffalo looked pretty bad in its season-opening loss to the Jets, but since then they’ve been lights out. The offense has picked up and the Bills defense has been dominant – they’re currently second in the league in yards allowed and points per game. But we’ll see what they’re made of this week. More on that later.

5. Chiefs – Speaking of defenses, Kansas City is fourth in the league in yards allowed and points per game, which is kinda flying under the radar at the moment. Gee, I wonder why. Don’t get me started on Taylor Swift again. Please.

6. Browns – They have their issues on offense, but when it comes to defense, they’re the best in the league. That’s something that will travel the length of the season. They’re a couple of mental mistakes against the Steelers from being 3-0. If they can get their offense together, something special might be brewing in Cleveland.

7. Cowboys – What was that?! Just when you think you have the NFL figured out, Dallas goes and lays a stink bomb in Arizona. Yes, the Cowboys had injuries along the offensive line, but still. Their vaunted defense couldn’t keep Joshua Dobbs and the Cardinals offense from moving the ball well. Sigh, oh well. Any given Sunday, I guess.

8. Ravens – Speaking of any given Sunday, Baltimore has only itself to blame for the overtime loss against the Colts. Inopportune turnovers, including more ball security issues for Lamar Jackson and squandered chances with solid field position all led to this loss. You win as a team and you can definitely lose as one, too. But it happens.

9. Lions – Defense seems to be a running theme in this week’s rankings. And Detroit’s D looked great in a home win over the Falcons, capped by Aidan Hutchinson’s two sacks. He’s a star in the making. Is this team for real? We’ll learn a lot more about the Lions when they face …

10. … The Packers on Thursday night. Green Bay did a solid job of erasing a 17-point deficit against the Saints, even though it had to help somewhat that New Orleans QB Derek Carr was knocked out of the game with a shoulder injury. What’s important is that the Packers are 2-1 and Jordan Love has looked capable under center. That has to feel good.

WHAT’S THE CHATTER?

Can someone explain to me: What do we have instant replay for?! I was under the impression that calls can only be overturned under review if there is INCONTROVERTIBLE video evidence. I’m watching the Rams take on the Bengals on Monday and Tutu Atwell seemingly scored a touchdown on L.A.’s first possession, which quieted the stadium. But suddenly, the officials started taking a closer look. Did Atwell step out of bounds? Possibly. His heel may or not have touched the white line. It was difficult to tell. And since the play was originally ruled a touchdown, it should have stood as called. But, noooooo. For some reason, the play was overturned and the ball was placed on the 3-yard line. And of course, the Rams took a sack and two incompletions later, had to settle for a field goal. That allowed Cincinnati’s dumb fans to re-engage in that dumb stadium located in a dumb state in a dumb part of the country. All because of the dumb referees and their dumb inconsistency. Ugh, it’s maddening.

He’s safe for now: Brandon Staley must have let out an epic sigh of relief after his Chargers beat the Vikings on the road. Especially since it was shaping up to be another epic late-game collapse. Minnesota had the ball and was all set to take the lead when L.A. came up with an interception in the end zone. Now they’re a more manageable 1-2 heading into a winnable matchup against the Raiders before their bye week. They can still right the ship, even though losing WR Mike Williams to a torn ACL is a real bummer.

Ouch: The Commanders have played three games. QB Sam Howell has been sacked 19 times over that span. That’s unacceptable. It’s easy to point to the offensive line and say they need to do a better job of protecting Howell, but he also has to learn how to get away from pressure and at least throw the ball away. He’s not going to last a whole season if this continues.

Clown of the week award: Robert Saleh. Sorry, I really like the guy, but the Jets head coach needs to stop with the loyalty. Zach Wilson is a dumpster fire (god I love that term) at quarterback and he’s clearly not the answer for this team. And yet, Saleh says he’s sticking with the young man. Big mistake. If Saleh doesn’t make a change, he’s in danger of losing the locker room.

APPOINTMENT VIEWING FOR WEEK 4

Lions at Packers: NFC North sizzle on a Thursday night. Nothing wrong with that. Just remember to be smart and not put any money on Thursday games. It’s too hard to predict what will happen after just three days’ rest.

Dolphins at Bills: I don’t want to make too much of this, because it’s still early in the season. But if you’re not excited to see this game, you’re not a football fan. Miami’s offense has been getting a lot of ink and rightfully so. But so has the Bills defense, and it’s going to be interesting to see how Sean McDermott goes about trying to at least slow down the weapons the Dolphins have. But another interesting question: Will Miami’s defense be able to get stops? I said above that I wasn’t worried about this unit, but just looking at the overall numbers, it’s not great. They’re 21st in the league in points allowed, so the Bills will get their chances. But if this game turns into a track meet, Buffalo is in trouble. Grab your popcorn.

Broncos at Bears: Two 0-3 teams. I’m not saying watch this game, don’t be silly. But keep an eye on it, especially if Denver loses. A Sean Payton conniption fit could make for good television. Not Taylor Swift in a luxury suite kind of good, but almost.

Ravens at Browns: If Lamar Jackson can’t hold on to the ball, Baltimore is doomed. Cleveland’s defense is already tough to reckon with, you can’t make their job easier on top of it. I think I like the Browns here, but it’s still Wednesday. I could change my mind.

Bengals at Titans: The Cincinnati redemption tour continues. After getting past the Rams at home, they’ve got a chance to get back to .500 against a beatable Tennessee squad. And once again, like last season, the worries will be in the past. Still concerned about Joe Burrow’s calf injury though.

Rams at Colts: You don’t have to watch this. I’ll check it out and report back.

Buccaneers at Saints: I’ve been the biggest Baker Mayfield supporter, but I saw a handful of missed throws on Monday night. That can’t happen in the NFL, especially this week against a New Orleans team that will likely have Jameis Winston at quarterback instead of the injured Derek Carr.

Commanders at Eagles: Philly clearly has the better roster, but this is a division game. Anything can happen.

Cardinals at 49ers: Arizona just took down one of the top NFC teams. Can they do it again this week? No, they can’t. Guaranteeing a Niners win here.

Seahawks at Giants: Seattle can move to 3-1 with a win here. Remember when they stunk against the Rams? Me neither. Plus, it’s Monday night, what else are you gonna watch?

Enjoy the games!